Hmmm…I move around a lot, huh? I’m not blog-saavy enough to use WordPress, so I’m going to switch back to blogger. Don’t judge.
Here it is:
I know, I know…I usually do the anonymous thing. But really – this doesn’t show my face…although, I’d be easily recognizable to anyone who was at my wedding since I’m in a car that was an integral part of it all. But when it comes down to it, I don’t really care. I don’t post enough for anyone to really read anything that juicy about me, and I just love this picture so I want to see it for a little bit when I come here to not-write 😉
Long story to say – here’s me & my husband on our wedding day…four months from Wednesday. Happy 4-month-Anniversary to us. Even though it’s only four months, it’s still nice to remember how we felt that very first day.
hate dislike this day. NOT because I’m bitter about love or have had horrible ones or any of that non-Valentine’s Day-standard-reasoning. I just don’t like that my birthday falls on the next day and so not only are people willing to celebrate hard to come by, but flowers are too. And I think the advertising is too much. Love does not equal diamonds or expensive gifts, but you would be tempted to argue otherwise based solely on marketing.
However…this year, I’m changing my tune (sorta). I like the idea of celebrating love. I like the idea of remembering to acknowledge your love for those around you. And while no, we should not have to have a ‘holiday’ to commence these ideas…yes, sometimes we need to be reminded or maybe just pushed in the right direction. Pushed to not wait until *I* feel loved enough or to see if I’m getting what *I* should out of the relationship…pushed to just make the first move to love for the sake of loving.
And the first year of marriage is a
good great time to start. I love my husband very much, but some days are just hard. In fact, lots of days are hard. Not hard to love, but maybe hard to show it or sometimes to really remember why. Because life gets in the way. But today, it will be less about me and more about him. And remembering and celebrating only the good things…the loving things…for at least one day. No big gifts or diamonds required. Just some heartfelt kisses and quality time together. Real Love.
It’s been a long time. And I need to write.
I find these little breaks are good in that a lot happens…creating oh so much to write about. And then I find these longer breaks are bad because…yeah…well…where in the heck should I start to write about…ummm…everything?!
The short and long of it is that I found the love of my life in the last year and I went and married him. So. Un-me to do something like this. And SO SO SO right.
And I need to write again. Maybe not every day, but more than every year. Here’s to a happy medium.
It sure is Sunny Today. And I leave on my honeymoon this week!
Want. Want. Want. Isn’t that ‘living the dream’?
OK, before it even starts to smell like I’ve gone all political on you or something (no danger of that around here, promise)…I have to confess that I’m jealous.
There, I said it. Jealous with a capital ‘J’. But not how you think.
I’m totally happy in my relationship. I mean, who wouldn’t be? I’m with the man I’m going to marry; the man of my dreams, and I’m COMPLETELY and totally overjoyed with him. With ‘us’. It’s what I have always wanted. And not only that, but I live in the most awesome place on earth, have a spectacular job, family, house (this could be improved upon!), dog…life.
But that’s the funny thing about ‘wanting’ things. You never really stop, do you? Or at least that’s how I am. Never quite content, even when I know I should be. I know how fortunate I am for all of the things I listed, and those that I know that I didn’t even begin to get to.
So – here’s what I’m jealous of, in no particular order. My friends going to Paris for a 30th birthday next year (probably can’t go because a wedding/honeymoon costs a small fortune these days). A friend who is moving to another (awesome) country to volunteer (!!!) at an orphanage INDEFINITELY! (turning greener over here). A friend who is a teacher gearing up for summer vacation. (3 months off? Are you kidding?). A friend opening a new business in town all by herself. (go her!). People all around me travelling, moving, being single with no cares in the world, doing things where they have no responsibilities and can just serve other people. And me?
Yeah, I found the love of my life. So what complaints do I have? Absolutely none, actually. Complaints infer that I’m unhappy, and I’m really, really not. Far from it actually.
But a teensy bit jealous at all these ‘free-spirited’ plans? Yep. A little case of ‘grass is greener’ syndrome? Sure.
And all of them? In the same boat. I just came to this realization last night when we were all catching up, and I commented on being ‘jealous’ of someone’s plans (in a completely good way, please understand). And the general response was that any one of them would give up any and all of it to be in my shoes. To have found someone I’m willing to spend a lifetime with.
And it so vividly reminded me of what it feels like to be there in that spot too. Because I have been so many times. And you know what? It IS worth it – giving up the part of me that is a completely free spirit. And he doesn’t ask me to give it up, of course. He even listens and considers all my insane let’s-move-to-a-crazy-country-to-work-for-a-few-years-while-we’re-young schemes. Really, the ‘whys’ could encompass a million posts…so I guess the summary is: I’m so completely happy, it’s amazing.
BUT you also know what? The grass is ALWAYS going to seem a little greener sometimes. Maybe not enough to actually climb the fence or even open a gate to test it out. But from the outside? Things always look better on the inside. And I’m thinking it might even be OK to have a little bit of that jealousy sometimes. It makes us human. It makes us alive and aware. It makes us examine our own situations – good and bad. I wouldn’t trade mine for the world, and that initial feeling of jealousy reminded me of where I’m at and where I’ve been. And if I really wanted to trade? I suppose that jealousy would have served an even larger purpose.
How’d you meet?
The question was brought up by Clink…who I guess I should just link to on my sidebar, since I still haven’t taken the time to figure out the whole ‘linking’ thing…whatever, don’t judge 🙂
Oh, and sidenote: I love her title – Such Great Heights…awesome meaning…and you’ll have to visit it to figure it out! (nice plug, huh?)
So…The Boy. A friend of a friend (the best way to ensure quality men, right?)…but also, we like to add, ‘in a bar’. And that’s not really true…as the story will tell.
I knew “of” him for a long time. And, strangely enough, we ran in the exact same circle for probably two years without ever being ‘formally’ introduced. Partly because either one of us was dating someone at various times, and partly because both of us have plenty of “friends”…meaning people of the opposite sex who are really cool, but are “just friends”. And really – we’re both busy – and although I’m not opposed to more friends, I’m also not out searching for them.
So…long winded way of saying – we were acquaintances, not friends. Until THE night it changed.
We were out with friends, and for once, we were both single. Yet we didn’t know it. Randomly we were kind of “forced” to talk. You know how that happens – when there’s a group of people talking in a bar, and several conversations start – leaving two people forced to make small talk who normally wouldn’t. He asked where my “better half” was…and of course, I told him that I’d been single now for…uh…at least a couple of months, if not more.
And there you could see the visual change in interaction. Seriously, *I* could tell – and I’m OBLIVIOUS to those things usually. From that moment on, I knew he was interested.
And me? Well, I thought the guy was totally hot, but not really much potential. I didn’t know much about him other than his friends are all crazy partiers – and not that there is anything that I dislike about that – I’m just not into dating those types anymore. They make me feel old and responsible (I’m 29 and I have a ‘real’ job as an engineer and ‘real’ responsiblities like my house…therefore my party days are now usually limited to Friday OR Saturday, and don’t extend much into multiple days or weeknights).
It’s funny how things happen when you least expect them to. I mean, within months, I have totally fallen head over heels for this guy, and he for me. And we could have crossed paths over and over for probably the past 10 years (we both went to high school in the area also)…and never known it. Timing. Thank God for it! 🙂
(And Part 2+ will tell when it changed from ‘not much potential’ to ‘I’m marrying this guy’) 😉
4. If you could tell any one person a particular thing, what would that thing be? Include the person if you want.
I generally am not one to hold back on telling people things actually, so this is a tougher question than you might think. It is probably a rarer occurrence to actually withhold telling someone something than it would be to let them in on it, so I can’t actually think of something off the top of my head. Well…except…hmmm…
I guess it wouldn’t necessarily be to “tell” someone something, but I think it would be for them to actually “hear” me, and to actually know what I’m saying…to believe me. I have a friend who I think is deeply unhappy. Although she is not alone, she is lonely. And I have been there once upon a time, so I genuinely sympathize.
I wish I could tell her that she will be OK. She is smart, beautiful, and unique. She has been made specially and wonderfully for a specific purpose. She brings light to more people than she knows, and she is deeply loved. And she is never, and will never be, alone.
And I wish she would actually be able to hear me, since I have told her these things in not so many words. I have been in that spot, although I also remember what it’s like to hear and not believe. To think those words are empty, and that no one truly understands. I remember the searching, the grasping for love, and the disappointment. And the fear.
But I also remember the hope. I remember taking one step towards a future when I reached out. When I walked into a church the first time. When I actually came to the realization that I am loved regardless of my faults and despite of my imperfections. When I started to accept forgiveness. When I started to know what it felt like to be loved – the pure, healthy, unconditional kind. And when I realized that even the people who are most ‘put-together’ on the outside, are really only half-way there on the inside anyways.
And I wish she could realize these things too. I wish I knew how to formulate the words to touch her in the deepest way. And so I guess that’s my answer, in a very round-about way. And all I can do is pray for it to happen and keep trying. It’s bound to stick one of these times.
5. What draws you back to any particular blog?
I am drawn to blogs that are a few specific things – relatable, humorous, and clever. I not only relate to people who are like me now, but who have facets of their lives that they share that I relate to at some point in my story. I have not always been here, where it’s sunny most days. And I enjoy hearing about life elsewhere. And remembering how resilient we are, how things change so quickly when we aren’t paying attention, and finding comfort in the fact that even if we don’t know each other, we really aren’t alone in our thoughts and experiences. We are all spectacularly unique, but we are surprisingly similar.
And on to question number three since two was just plain depressing! 🙂
Nothing that a little fishing for compliments from five friends won’t help…which brings us to:
3. If five of your closest friends were each asked to describe you in one word, what would those five words be?
So, instead of making up five words that *I* think describe me, I decided to actually ask five friends. Ok, I actually emailed 6 friends, thinking that maybe some of them wouldn’t reply! Maybe they should have put ‘paranoid’ as their word or something…anyways…
Before I start on what my words were (which I’m going to document if for nothing else than to remember what they said), I have to tell you something huge. Seriously, people.
I have found a CURE for depression! I kid you not. I mean, really. The question wasn’t made up by me, so I didn’t quite feel like I was fishing for compliments until I got responses and realized – hey, no one is going to describe you badly, so OF COURSE they are sending you compliments. What a hugely random way to boost your ego though…even if it is basically sending an email to your friends asking for them to say something good.
Hey, don’t knock it until you try it. It works. And here is why (demonstrated through what they said):
(1) GIFT – this was the first email I got, and was from none other than the Boy. And he makes me melt over and over…and always calls me his gift from God, so this was his choice. I guess it might not count since it’s from him, but nonetheless, I loved it. So there you have it.
The second email contained this little gem:
(2) NINJA – “the skill of going unperceived” or “the art of stealth”; his steps are stealthy and quick, spies who learned the secrets of an enemy by seduction, easily concealed or disguised as commoners.
I love it. That is incredible, and from a fellow ‘ninja’. 🙂
The third came from the same girl who emailed above and it one of the biggest compliment I have ever received in my life coming from a girl who is completely giving her life to do something incredible:
(3) Compassionate – those which take into account the suffering of others and attempt to alleviate that suffering as if it were one’s own, often equated with generosity. Compassion is a sense of shared suffering most often combined with a desire to alleviate or reduce such suffering; to show special kindness to those who suffer. Thus compassion is essentially empathy though with a more active slant in that the compassionate person will seek to actually aid (take action/make action plans) for those they feel compassionate for.
The fourth and fifth came from friends across the country, but that both mean the world to me:
(4) Thoughtful and (5) Caring
The sixth came from a friend who I rarely see, yet talk to often and love dearly:
(6 – bonus) SPARKLE. And she capitalized it too. And she is an angel. Really.
Seriously, again, I reiterate – this has GOT to be the cure for depression! I mean, what great friends of mine are these to describe ME with THOSE words?!? I just want you to know that I am NOT that person described above.
I mean, I do have good moments…but so does everyone else. I’m not an exception in any way, shape, or form – and those same friends who used those words above would undoubtedly vouch for that as well. I struggle exactly like everyone, to get through the day…working and feeling like it doesn’t matter what I do or say, just wanting to be outside, doing something fun with my dog or with my Boy. Being. Selfish.
But when you hear compliments from those you love, it just has to make you smile, even if you don’t believe them. And it makes me want to live in those 5 (ok, 6) words. To actually BE the person they describe. Because obviously, they know I can – they see glimpses. I just need to be reminded. And I thank the Lord for that.
2. What is the one memory that truly makes you squirm?
Well, I don’t like this question much. I mean – it makes me squirm, right? So, yeah…don’t feel like squirming all that often.
I guess to preface, I have to divulge a seriously important personality trait I have. I refer to it as ‘blocking’. Yep. That’s it. I can (and do) block out almost anything that is a bad and/or painful memory for me. I don’t really know when it started or how it works, but I really do seem to let go and forget bad memories. It’s all rainbows and fairies left around here afterwards! (Just kidding).
But in all reality, I don’t dwell on things. I honestly let them go, move on, and implement ‘forgive and forget’ more often than not. It doesn’t mean I open myself up to the same scenario twice without learning from it, but it does mean that I don’t harbor a lot of bitterness or resentment towards anyone at all.
That being said – it’s hard to pull up one ‘squirmy’ memory. But if I have to recall, I know it would be a memory of me doing something incredibly dumb that affects someone else. In fact, I think it would be in my last relationship. Oooh, it’s already making my stomach turn. Ok, here goes.
I got spectacularly and awfully drunk one night and called my ex another guy’s name. A couple of times. I think I genuinely thought he was the other person actually (yes, I know, horrible…go ahead, judge away). And it was a name of a guy that I actually liked. A lot. It was right in the beginning of our relationship, and it really tainted the entire relationship – for obvious reasons. Looking back, it is one thing that I don’t think had ANY good purpose come of it. I can usually look for a silver lining in a situation, but really? That move was just stupid, unnecessary, and unfortunately, still meant nothing. Even though I was never meant for this person from the very beginning, it still hurt him deeply, and I felt (feel, actually) awful about that. I just hate hurting people. And he did nothing to deserve that, and so it makes my stomach turn. Yuck. So, that’s that.
Actually – one more thing. If there is a silver lining to be had here, it is that I learned a few things from this scenario. One? I need to be able to forgive myself. I’m harder on myself than others – it’s just how I am. I would have forgiven someone else a long time ago for this, and I guess in some small way, I still don’t really forgive myself for doing something that thoughtless. Two? He genuinely wasn’t the right person for me. I realized it then, deep down, and maybe I should have listened to earlier. Maybe I need to just trust my gut a little more readily, and then I could avoid more prolonged pain the long run.
Or maybe that’s exactly the problem – thinking that *I* am in such ‘control’ at all! It is only by God’s grace that I’m with the Boy, the One, now…so maybe I’ll just move on knowing that I, and that we, cannot do it alone because we are without a doubt, always going to be imperfect. All we can do is learn from our mistakes, and move forward, taking one step at a time, and letting Him light up our path – one step at a time.
Thanks to Copasetic Fish (yes, if I could figure out how to link, I would…however, not that technologically savvy, people. So for now – link on my blogroll – she is really a great read!)…I now have five new blog topics to discuss. She emailed me five questions, and I think I’ll turn them each into a post so that I have something thoughtful to write about. You know, when you take a blogging break like myself – you get rusty, so this will effectively serve as my “warm-up”.
So – number one:
1. If you could only be remembered for one thing, what would you like it to be?
This sounds totally cheesy, and probably very Christian-y or cookie-cutter answer….but here’s my completely honest answer: I’d love to be remembered for having made a difference in the life of one child by having them see Christ’s love for them through me.
Working down at the (only two – I’m not that experienced…wish I was!) orphanages in South America completely changed my life. Just makes you question what is really important in our lives and what we worry about on a daily basis. So – I’d LOVE to be able to keep that kind of perspective ever single day.
Unfortunately, I RARELY do. Maybe because I’m wrapped up in work. Or too busy. Or really just engaged in whatever the drama of the moment happens to be. Selfish.
But when you answer a question like that – a question about TRUE importance – I always come back to that. Loving others as God loves you. How simple is that? Shouldn’t it be easier? Well…honestly…not really. I wish I could live it more often. I wish I could live it ALWAYS.
Just think – if every day we were all living to be remembered by the “one thing” of true importance to us? How much better off would everyone be? I’m sure the majority of us would choose something beneficial. I mean – who wants to be remembered as the total A-hole who did something awful. So, really…imagine living every day as if you were to be remembered for how you acted, what you said, things you did on THAT given day. Or hour. Or minute.
I’m sure it’s just immeasurable.
And enough of my soap box public service announcement! 😉