Today is brought to you by the Number Two

May 8, 2007 at 5:13 pm | Posted in Life in general | Leave a comment

2. What is the one memory that truly makes you squirm?

Well, I don’t like this question much. I mean – it makes me squirm, right? So, yeah…don’t feel like squirming all that often.

I guess to preface, I have to divulge a seriously important personality trait I have. I refer to it as ‘blocking’. Yep. That’s it. I can (and do) block out almost anything that is a bad and/or painful memory for me. I don’t really know when it started or how it works, but I really do seem to let go and forget bad memories. It’s all rainbows and fairies left around here afterwards! (Just kidding).

But in all reality, I don’t dwell on things. I honestly let them go, move on, and implement ‘forgive and forget’ more often than not. It doesn’t mean I open myself up to the same scenario twice without learning from it, but it does mean that I don’t harbor a lot of bitterness or resentment towards anyone at all.

That being said – it’s hard to pull up one ‘squirmy’ memory. But if I have to recall, I know it would be a memory of me doing something incredibly dumb that affects someone else. In fact, I think it would be in my last relationship. Oooh, it’s already making my stomach turn. Ok, here goes.

I got spectacularly and awfully drunk one night and called my ex another guy’s name. A couple of times. I think I genuinely thought he was the other person actually (yes, I know, horrible…go ahead, judge away). And it was a name of a guy that I actually liked. A lot. It was right in the beginning of our relationship, and it really tainted the entire relationship – for obvious reasons. Looking back, it is one thing that I don’t think had ANY good purpose come of it. I can usually look for a silver lining in a situation, but really? That move was just stupid, unnecessary, and unfortunately, still meant nothing. Even though I was never meant for this person from the very beginning, it still hurt him deeply, and I felt (feel, actually) awful about that. I just hate hurting people. And he did nothing to deserve that, and so it makes my stomach turn. Yuck. So, that’s that.

Actually – one more thing. If there is a silver lining to be had here, it is that I learned a few things from this scenario. One? I need to be able to forgive myself. I’m harder on myself than others – it’s just how I am. I would have forgiven someone else a long time ago for this, and I guess in some small way, I still don’t really forgive myself for doing something that thoughtless. Two? He genuinely wasn’t the right person for me. I realized it then, deep down, and maybe I should have listened to earlier. Maybe I need to just trust my gut a little more readily, and then I could avoid more prolonged pain the long run.

Or maybe that’s exactly the problem – thinking that *I* am in such ‘control’ at all! It is only by God’s grace that I’m with the Boy, the One, now…so maybe I’ll just move on knowing that I, and that we, cannot do it alone because we are without a doubt, always going to be imperfect. All we can do is learn from our mistakes, and move forward, taking one step at a time, and letting Him light up our path – one step at a time.


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