Unsettled…

May 20, 2008 at 3:56 pm | Posted in Life in general | 1 Comment

Hmmm…I move around a lot, huh?  I’m not blog-saavy enough to use WordPress, so I’m going to switch back to blogger.  Don’t judge.

Here it is:

http://www.betterplanthanmine.blogspot.com/

 

So much, So little.

November 14, 2007 at 5:34 pm | Posted in Getting Married, Life in general, Love | 1 Comment

It’s been a long time. And I need to write.

I find these little breaks are good in that a lot happens…creating oh so much to write about. And then I find these longer breaks are bad because…yeah…well…where in the heck should I start to write about…ummm…everything?!

The short and long of it is that I found the love of my life in the last year and I went and married him. So. Un-me to do something like this. And SO SO SO right.

And I need to write again. Maybe not every day, but more than every year. Here’s to a happy medium.

It sure is Sunny Today. And I leave on my honeymoon this week!

Green, green grass

May 24, 2007 at 12:33 am | Posted in Life in general | 1 Comment

Want. Want. Want. Isn’t that ‘living the dream’?

OK, before it even starts to smell like I’ve gone all political on you or something (no danger of that around here, promise)…I have to confess that I’m jealous.

There, I said it. Jealous with a capital ‘J’. But not how you think.

I’m totally happy in my relationship. I mean, who wouldn’t be? I’m with the man I’m going to marry; the man of my dreams, and I’m COMPLETELY and totally overjoyed with him. With ‘us’. It’s what I have always wanted. And not only that, but I live in the most awesome place on earth, have a spectacular job, family, house (this could be improved upon!), dog…life.

But that’s the funny thing about ‘wanting’ things. You never really stop, do you? Or at least that’s how I am. Never quite content, even when I know I should be. I know how fortunate I am for all of the things I listed, and those that I know that I didn’t even begin to get to.

So – here’s what I’m jealous of, in no particular order. My friends going to Paris for a 30th birthday next year (probably can’t go because a wedding/honeymoon costs a small fortune these days). A friend who is moving to another (awesome) country to volunteer (!!!) at an orphanage INDEFINITELY! (turning greener over here). A friend who is a teacher gearing up for summer vacation. (3 months off? Are you kidding?). A friend opening a new business in town all by herself. (go her!). People all around me travelling, moving, being single with no cares in the world, doing things where they have no responsibilities and can just serve other people. And me?

Yeah, I found the love of my life. So what complaints do I have? Absolutely none, actually. Complaints infer that I’m unhappy, and I’m really, really not. Far from it actually.

But a teensy bit jealous at all these ‘free-spirited’ plans? Yep. A little case of ‘grass is greener’ syndrome? Sure.

And all of them? In the same boat. I just came to this realization last night when we were all catching up, and I commented on being ‘jealous’ of someone’s plans (in a completely good way, please understand). And the general response was that any one of them would give up any and all of it to be in my shoes. To have found someone I’m willing to spend a lifetime with.

And it so vividly reminded me of what it feels like to be there in that spot too. Because I have been so many times. And you know what? It IS worth it – giving up the part of me that is a completely free spirit. And he doesn’t ask me to give it up, of course. He even listens and considers all my insane let’s-move-to-a-crazy-country-to-work-for-a-few-years-while-we’re-young schemes. Really, the ‘whys’ could encompass a million posts…so I guess the summary is: I’m so completely happy, it’s amazing.

BUT you also know what? The grass is ALWAYS going to seem a little greener sometimes. Maybe not enough to actually climb the fence or even open a gate to test it out. But from the outside? Things always look better on the inside. And I’m thinking it might even be OK to have a little bit of that jealousy sometimes. It makes us human. It makes us alive and aware. It makes us examine our own situations – good and bad. I wouldn’t trade mine for the world, and that initial feeling of jealousy reminded me of where I’m at and where I’ve been. And if I really wanted to trade? I suppose that jealousy would have served an even larger purpose.

Two For One

May 15, 2007 at 4:38 pm | Posted in Life in general | Leave a comment

4. If you could tell any one person a particular thing, what would that thing be? Include the person if you want.

I generally am not one to hold back on telling people things actually, so this is a tougher question than you might think. It is probably a rarer occurrence to actually withhold telling someone something than it would be to let them in on it, so I can’t actually think of something off the top of my head. Well…except…hmmm…

I guess it wouldn’t necessarily be to “tell” someone something, but I think it would be for them to actually “hear” me, and to actually know what I’m saying…to believe me. I have a friend who I think is deeply unhappy. Although she is not alone, she is lonely. And I have been there once upon a time, so I genuinely sympathize.

I wish I could tell her that she will be OK. She is smart, beautiful, and unique. She has been made specially and wonderfully for a specific purpose. She brings light to more people than she knows, and she is deeply loved. And she is never, and will never be, alone.

And I wish she would actually be able to hear me, since I have told her these things in not so many words. I have been in that spot, although I also remember what it’s like to hear and not believe. To think those words are empty, and that no one truly understands. I remember the searching, the grasping for love, and the disappointment. And the fear.

But I also remember the hope. I remember taking one step towards a future when I reached out. When I walked into a church the first time. When I actually came to the realization that I am loved regardless of my faults and despite of my imperfections. When I started to accept forgiveness. When I started to know what it felt like to be loved – the pure, healthy, unconditional kind. And when I realized that even the people who are most ‘put-together’ on the outside, are really only half-way there on the inside anyways.

And I wish she could realize these things too. I wish I knew how to formulate the words to touch her in the deepest way. And so I guess that’s my answer, in a very round-about way. And all I can do is pray for it to happen and keep trying. It’s bound to stick one of these times.

5. What draws you back to any particular blog?

I am drawn to blogs that are a few specific things – relatable, humorous, and clever. I not only relate to people who are like me now, but who have facets of their lives that they share that I relate to at some point in my story. I have not always been here, where it’s sunny most days. And I enjoy hearing about life elsewhere. And remembering how resilient we are, how things change so quickly when we aren’t paying attention, and finding comfort in the fact that even if we don’t know each other, we really aren’t alone in our thoughts and experiences. We are all spectacularly unique, but we are surprisingly similar.

Three – the best question in the world.

May 9, 2007 at 3:21 pm | Posted in Life in general | 1 Comment

And on to question number three since two was just plain depressing! 🙂

Nothing that a little fishing for compliments from five friends won’t help…which brings us to:

3. If five of your closest friends were each asked to describe you in one word, what would those five words be?

So, instead of making up five words that *I* think describe me, I decided to actually ask five friends. Ok, I actually emailed 6 friends, thinking that maybe some of them wouldn’t reply! Maybe they should have put ‘paranoid’ as their word or something…anyways…

Before I start on what my words were (which I’m going to document if for nothing else than to remember what they said), I have to tell you something huge. Seriously, people.

I have found a CURE for depression! I kid you not. I mean, really. The question wasn’t made up by me, so I didn’t quite feel like I was fishing for compliments until I got responses and realized – hey, no one is going to describe you badly, so OF COURSE they are sending you compliments. What a hugely random way to boost your ego though…even if it is basically sending an email to your friends asking for them to say something good.

Hey, don’t knock it until you try it. It works. And here is why (demonstrated through what they said):

(1) GIFT – this was the first email I got, and was from none other than the Boy. And he makes me melt over and over…and always calls me his gift from God, so this was his choice. I guess it might not count since it’s from him, but nonetheless, I loved it. So there you have it.

The second email contained this little gem:

(2) NINJA – “the skill of going unperceived” or “the art of stealth”; his steps are stealthy and quick, spies who learned the secrets of an enemy by seduction, easily concealed or disguised as commoners.

I love it. That is incredible, and from a fellow ‘ninja’. 🙂

The third came from the same girl who emailed above and it one of the biggest compliment I have ever received in my life coming from a girl who is completely giving her life to do something incredible:

(3) Compassionate – those which take into account the suffering of others and attempt to alleviate that suffering as if it were one’s own, often equated with generosity. Compassion is a sense of shared suffering most often combined with a desire to alleviate or reduce such suffering; to show special kindness to those who suffer. Thus compassion is essentially empathy though with a more active slant in that the compassionate person will seek to actually aid (take action/make action plans) for those they feel compassionate for.

The fourth and fifth came from friends across the country, but that both mean the world to me:

(4) Thoughtful and (5) Caring

The sixth came from a friend who I rarely see, yet talk to often and love dearly:

(6 – bonus) SPARKLE. And she capitalized it too. And she is an angel. Really.

Seriously, again, I reiterate – this has GOT to be the cure for depression! I mean, what great friends of mine are these to describe ME with THOSE words?!? I just want you to know that I am NOT that person described above.

I mean, I do have good moments…but so does everyone else. I’m not an exception in any way, shape, or form – and those same friends who used those words above would undoubtedly vouch for that as well. I struggle exactly like everyone, to get through the day…working and feeling like it doesn’t matter what I do or say, just wanting to be outside, doing something fun with my dog or with my Boy. Being. Selfish.

But when you hear compliments from those you love, it just has to make you smile, even if you don’t believe them. And it makes me want to live in those 5 (ok, 6) words. To actually BE the person they describe. Because obviously, they know I can – they see glimpses. I just need to be reminded. And I thank the Lord for that.

Today is brought to you by the Number Two

May 8, 2007 at 5:13 pm | Posted in Life in general | Leave a comment

2. What is the one memory that truly makes you squirm?

Well, I don’t like this question much. I mean – it makes me squirm, right? So, yeah…don’t feel like squirming all that often.

I guess to preface, I have to divulge a seriously important personality trait I have. I refer to it as ‘blocking’. Yep. That’s it. I can (and do) block out almost anything that is a bad and/or painful memory for me. I don’t really know when it started or how it works, but I really do seem to let go and forget bad memories. It’s all rainbows and fairies left around here afterwards! (Just kidding).

But in all reality, I don’t dwell on things. I honestly let them go, move on, and implement ‘forgive and forget’ more often than not. It doesn’t mean I open myself up to the same scenario twice without learning from it, but it does mean that I don’t harbor a lot of bitterness or resentment towards anyone at all.

That being said – it’s hard to pull up one ‘squirmy’ memory. But if I have to recall, I know it would be a memory of me doing something incredibly dumb that affects someone else. In fact, I think it would be in my last relationship. Oooh, it’s already making my stomach turn. Ok, here goes.

I got spectacularly and awfully drunk one night and called my ex another guy’s name. A couple of times. I think I genuinely thought he was the other person actually (yes, I know, horrible…go ahead, judge away). And it was a name of a guy that I actually liked. A lot. It was right in the beginning of our relationship, and it really tainted the entire relationship – for obvious reasons. Looking back, it is one thing that I don’t think had ANY good purpose come of it. I can usually look for a silver lining in a situation, but really? That move was just stupid, unnecessary, and unfortunately, still meant nothing. Even though I was never meant for this person from the very beginning, it still hurt him deeply, and I felt (feel, actually) awful about that. I just hate hurting people. And he did nothing to deserve that, and so it makes my stomach turn. Yuck. So, that’s that.

Actually – one more thing. If there is a silver lining to be had here, it is that I learned a few things from this scenario. One? I need to be able to forgive myself. I’m harder on myself than others – it’s just how I am. I would have forgiven someone else a long time ago for this, and I guess in some small way, I still don’t really forgive myself for doing something that thoughtless. Two? He genuinely wasn’t the right person for me. I realized it then, deep down, and maybe I should have listened to earlier. Maybe I need to just trust my gut a little more readily, and then I could avoid more prolonged pain the long run.

Or maybe that’s exactly the problem – thinking that *I* am in such ‘control’ at all! It is only by God’s grace that I’m with the Boy, the One, now…so maybe I’ll just move on knowing that I, and that we, cannot do it alone because we are without a doubt, always going to be imperfect. All we can do is learn from our mistakes, and move forward, taking one step at a time, and letting Him light up our path – one step at a time.

Interview with a…well…just Me.

May 4, 2007 at 5:02 pm | Posted in Life in general | 1 Comment

Thanks to Copasetic Fish (yes, if I could figure out how to link, I would…however, not that technologically savvy, people. So for now – link on my blogroll – she is really a great read!)…I now have five new blog topics to discuss. She emailed me five questions, and I think I’ll turn them each into a post so that I have something thoughtful to write about. You know, when you take a blogging break like myself – you get rusty, so this will effectively serve as my “warm-up”.

So – number one:

1. If you could only be remembered for one thing, what would you like it to be?

This sounds totally cheesy, and probably very Christian-y or cookie-cutter answer….but here’s my completely honest answer: I’d love to be remembered for having made a difference in the life of one child by having them see Christ’s love for them through me.

Working down at the (only two – I’m not that experienced…wish I was!) orphanages in South America completely changed my life. Just makes you question what is really important in our lives and what we worry about on a daily basis. So – I’d LOVE to be able to keep that kind of perspective ever single day.

Unfortunately, I RARELY do. Maybe because I’m wrapped up in work. Or too busy. Or really just engaged in whatever the drama of the moment happens to be. Selfish.

But when you answer a question like that – a question about TRUE importance – I always come back to that. Loving others as God loves you. How simple is that? Shouldn’t it be easier? Well…honestly…not really. I wish I could live it more often. I wish I could live it ALWAYS.

Just think – if every day we were all living to be remembered by the “one thing” of true importance to us? How much better off would everyone be? I’m sure the majority of us would choose something beneficial. I mean – who wants to be remembered as the total A-hole who did something awful. So, really…imagine living every day as if you were to be remembered for how you acted, what you said, things you did on THAT given day. Or hour. Or minute.

I’m sure it’s just immeasurable.

And enough of my soap box public service announcement! 😉

Perfect Weekend…until Monday.

April 23, 2007 at 3:11 pm | Posted in Life in general | Leave a comment

Do you ever have those weekends where you just seem to be in the best spot during the weekend…only to realize on Monday that you are thrown back into the craziness of your “weekday life”, the calm and peace of the weekend never to return (until next Friday…)?

I do. Did, I mean, today. Ugh.

BUT…the weekend WAS really nice. And I do have a ‘ring’ dilemma to ask some advice about. This whole situation is SO new to me!

M.I.A.

April 20, 2007 at 4:15 pm | Posted in Life in general | Leave a comment

So…I’m not really that M.I.A. – just on here…and I miss writing, so I’m going to give it one more shot! 🙂

Updates, you ask? (Yeah, right…I’m sure no one even reads this anymore!) But I’ll give you one anyway! 😉

I’m in love. As in, in love with HIM. Still. And forever. And I mean it.

(Pick yourself off the floor because if you know me, you KNOW that is really NOT ME!).

“ME” seriously dislikes people who say you “just know” or that they are with “the One”. Honestly? That will NEVER happen to “ME”. I don’t “just know” anything, much less who I’m going to spend the rest of my life with! “ME” is much more realistic than that.

Until the Boy, that is. He is undoubtedly everything I have ever wanted in a man…plus some. I couldn’t have imagined a relationship this good. I couldn’t have dreamed of being with someone like him…and being so…HAPPY. Seriously, that is all I can describe it as. Happy. Content. Satisfied. Fortunate. Blessed. Perfect. (ok, maybe there were a few more words than just happy.)

And it’s not that we’re all googly-eyed and honeymoonish all the time – we aren’t. We’ve even had a share of disagreements and discussions on tough issues. The difference is in how we handle those. We handle them like two people who actually care, respect, and honor the person they are with – as if we will be together forever. FOREVER. We are forever-minded?!?! (This is so strange for “ME”) 🙂

And so, I say with confidence (and have to here since I haven’t really let many people besides close friends in on it in “real life”) – He is the One. And I “just know”.

Oh – and, really – if “you” also dislike those sort of people – honestly, just wait. It’ll happen to you. And probably when you are least looking for it. So watch out.

I did it.

November 28, 2006 at 4:53 am | Posted in Life in general | Leave a comment

My text message:

You.  Me.  *insert hotel name that party is at*. *insert date of party*. Xmas party.  Interested?  Let me know 😉

The text message back:

Oh darn!  I AM interested.  But I have another Xmas party that night.  Can we have another “party” together at some point?

My reply:

Definitely!  🙂

So…it was good and bad, I think.  Bad – I still need a date for the party.  Good – looks like I might have a date with him anyways…just not that night!  🙂

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