Green, green grass

May 24, 2007 at 12:33 am | Posted in Life in general | 1 Comment

Want. Want. Want. Isn’t that ‘living the dream’?

OK, before it even starts to smell like I’ve gone all political on you or something (no danger of that around here, promise)…I have to confess that I’m jealous.

There, I said it. Jealous with a capital ‘J’. But not how you think.

I’m totally happy in my relationship. I mean, who wouldn’t be? I’m with the man I’m going to marry; the man of my dreams, and I’m COMPLETELY and totally overjoyed with him. With ‘us’. It’s what I have always wanted. And not only that, but I live in the most awesome place on earth, have a spectacular job, family, house (this could be improved upon!), dog…life.

But that’s the funny thing about ‘wanting’ things. You never really stop, do you? Or at least that’s how I am. Never quite content, even when I know I should be. I know how fortunate I am for all of the things I listed, and those that I know that I didn’t even begin to get to.

So – here’s what I’m jealous of, in no particular order. My friends going to Paris for a 30th birthday next year (probably can’t go because a wedding/honeymoon costs a small fortune these days). A friend who is moving to another (awesome) country to volunteer (!!!) at an orphanage INDEFINITELY! (turning greener over here). A friend who is a teacher gearing up for summer vacation. (3 months off? Are you kidding?). A friend opening a new business in town all by herself. (go her!). People all around me travelling, moving, being single with no cares in the world, doing things where they have no responsibilities and can just serve other people. And me?

Yeah, I found the love of my life. So what complaints do I have? Absolutely none, actually. Complaints infer that I’m unhappy, and I’m really, really not. Far from it actually.

But a teensy bit jealous at all these ‘free-spirited’ plans? Yep. A little case of ‘grass is greener’ syndrome? Sure.

And all of them? In the same boat. I just came to this realization last night when we were all catching up, and I commented on being ‘jealous’ of someone’s plans (in a completely good way, please understand). And the general response was that any one of them would give up any and all of it to be in my shoes. To have found someone I’m willing to spend a lifetime with.

And it so vividly reminded me of what it feels like to be there in that spot too. Because I have been so many times. And you know what? It IS worth it – giving up the part of me that is a completely free spirit. And he doesn’t ask me to give it up, of course. He even listens and considers all my insane let’s-move-to-a-crazy-country-to-work-for-a-few-years-while-we’re-young schemes. Really, the ‘whys’ could encompass a million posts…so I guess the summary is: I’m so completely happy, it’s amazing.

BUT you also know what? The grass is ALWAYS going to seem a little greener sometimes. Maybe not enough to actually climb the fence or even open a gate to test it out. But from the outside? Things always look better on the inside. And I’m thinking it might even be OK to have a little bit of that jealousy sometimes. It makes us human. It makes us alive and aware. It makes us examine our own situations – good and bad. I wouldn’t trade mine for the world, and that initial feeling of jealousy reminded me of where I’m at and where I’ve been. And if I really wanted to trade? I suppose that jealousy would have served an even larger purpose.